16. The wife says that yes, he could. 72. And theres no better place to be than on your partners team! In the piano! 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding, 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe), 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners, 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before, 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes, 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes, 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes, 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners, 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes, 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults, 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners, 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips, 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life, 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes, 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country, 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners, 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley, 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes, 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes, 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes, Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier, 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes, 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes, 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults, 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling, The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team, 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes, When spring 2023 starts in the UK and why there are different ways of calculating the first day, Ken Bruce's final show reminded us he doesn't just talk to everyone, he listens to them, too, Who hates my naked protests most? Did you hit him with the golf club? Yes, I did, sobs the woman. This isnt even real. I know, he says. Good players are hard to find. Whats a Queen without her King? The first guy says, Lets go in there for a pint., The second guy says, They wont let us in with our dogs., First guy: Sure they will, just follow my lead., He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, I cant let you in here with that dog., He replies, Oh, Im blind and this is my seeing-eye dog., The second guy sees this and does the same thing. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier Soccer was the first sport that many of us tried. Is a baby covered in cream, saying, Ah! It never really took off. Milton Jones, Recently I went on a ballooning holiday I put on four stone! Milton Jones. Its three in the morning!Anonymous, Fortune tellers are so easy to buy clothes fortheyre all mediums. Since shes in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. Ugh! the student groaned. A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. Have trouble making it to the punchline? How to be witty and win anyone over, Backhanded compliment How to react kindly or give back in kind, Funny conversation starters and 40 lines to instantly fit right in, How to be witty 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. This bloke said to me: Im going to attack you with the neck of a guitar. I said: Is that a fret? I was browsing in the mens department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign. The cop replies: Then why do I smell wine?, The priest looks at the bottle and says: Good Lord! A labracadabrador. Hes peeing in the refrigerator again!, For his birthday, an old mans nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? Learn them and youll never have that I wish Id said that moment again! Unfortunately, by that point, the opportunity is long gone. This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. Why did the orthopedic doctor always put hats on the knees of his patients? He got out three times to go to the bathroom., When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. Submitted byLucinda Rajaselvan, The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes. Submitted by Faith Lackey, A: Breathe! ", "If life givesyou melons, you might be dyslexic. ._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{width:100%}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF,._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;max-width:100%}._1CVe5UNoFFPNZQdcj1E7qb{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:4px}._2UOVKq8AASb4UjcU1wrCil{height:28px;width:28px;margin-top:6px}.FB0XngPKpgt3Ui354TbYQ{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:start;align-items:flex-start;-ms-flex-direction:column;flex-direction:column;margin-left:8px;min-width:0}._3tIyrJzJQoNhuwDSYG5PGy{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%}.TIveY2GD5UQpMI7hBO69I{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;color:var(--newRedditTheme-titleText);white-space:nowrap;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}.e9ybGKB-qvCqbOOAHfFpF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%;max-width:100%;margin-top:2px}.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5{font-weight:400;box-sizing:border-box}._28u73JpPTG4y_Vu5Qute7n{margin-left:4px} That night I went to a church meeting and the speaker told us about his humanitarian work. Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you. Bill Murray, 14. Then I served my country in Iraq. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Nurse: When? If Im a sarcastic asshole when I talk to you, its either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, or I really hate you and dont care if you know it. She then reassured him by adding, Now, if you do everything Ive told you, you wont be with us for long.. Submitted by Andre Batista. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. But two weeks later, theres still no sign of the mutt. 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags ._2cHgYGbfV9EZMSThqLt2tx{margin-bottom:16px;border-radius:4px}._3Q7WCNdCi77r0_CKPoDSFY{width:75%;height:24px}._2wgLWvNKnhoJX3DUVT_3F-,._3Q7WCNdCi77r0_CKPoDSFY{background:var(--newCommunityTheme-field);background-size:200%;margin-bottom:16px;border-radius:4px}._2wgLWvNKnhoJX3DUVT_3F-{width:100%;height:46px} Some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. @keyframes _1tIZttmhLdrIGrB-6VvZcT{0%{opacity:0}to{opacity:1}}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd,.HQ2VJViRjokXpRbJzPvvc{--infoTextTooltip-overflow-left:0px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;padding:3px 9px;position:absolute;border-radius:4px;margin-top:-6px;background:#000;color:#fff;animation:_1tIZttmhLdrIGrB-6VvZcT .5s step-end;z-index:100;white-space:pre-wrap}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd:after,.HQ2VJViRjokXpRbJzPvvc:after{content:"";position:absolute;top:100%;left:calc(50% - 4px - var(--infoTextTooltip-overflow-left));width:0;height:0;border-top:3px solid #000;border-left:4px solid transparent;border-right:4px solid transparent}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd{margin-top:6px}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd:after{border-bottom:3px solid #000;border-top:none;bottom:100%;top:auto} As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, Occupation?. Wow, this bed is big!. I normally have to run to catch the 11:30 bus. Not yet.. The good stuff includes deep conversations, fun times together, laughter, and play. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? So now I got me a wooden peg., When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday. Nasty ex sniffing around? Submitted by Terry Sangster. Q: Youre riding a horse at full speed. I couldn't put it down. Here are the best insulting smartass quotes we could find. Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Theyre making headlines. Five, six, maybe seven times. The bartender shakes his head. 'Submitted by John Langley. God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. Robin Williams, 5. These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. Theyre so noisy, he complained. 2023 Readers Digest Magazines Ltd. - All rights reserved, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Compiled by Andy Simmons, RD.com and Robert Liwanag, readersdigest.ca. A: Lavion rose. Hes not breathing and his eyes are glazed. She couldnt control her pupils. Im having a heart attack, cries the woman. You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. ", "Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat. I've only got myshelf to . Try giving them one of these funny compliments! Diddly-squats. W hen you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst Submitted by Wendy Davis, My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brothers surprise party. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? shein voucher code first order; russ rose salary penn state; bluestacks text not showing; wordle alternative game; what is marco scutaro doing now Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop. Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be, How to Talk to Your White Male Partner About Race, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. I told them: I understand. The floors are so shiny you can see your antennae in them. Need the laughs to come fast? Eight dollars, I answered. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners I would love to insult you, but I wouldnt do as well as nature did, 50. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot if you wrote the instructions on the heel. Start in England and drive west. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. 15. When your ex says, Youll never find anyone like me reply with: thats the point., 21. But in honour of Saint Patrick, I thought Id buy you a sham-rock.Anonymous, My wifes clinic called my home number to tell me that they couldnt accept 911 as her emergency contact. Im addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, Im not following you.. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. ' Tim Vine. Im not allowed on the couch., Two salespeople approached me at the furniture store. I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue? I said No, just a watch. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. So what have you done with your life? he asks the dog. One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Oh yesthe news. Submitted by Robert Gallagher, I was at a Canadian Tire, chatting with the young woman at the till. Hes in the village over the other direction.. 2. You wont look cool if you show everyone just how happy you are with your efforts! But the right leg is way too short, argued the customer. I wanna see my real parents! ._1sDtEhccxFpHDn2RUhxmSq{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-flow:row nowrap;flex-flow:row nowrap}._1d4NeAxWOiy0JPz7aXRI64{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}.icon._3tMM22A0evCEmrIk-8z4zO{margin:-2px 8px 0 0} Whats it called? Cant you just tell me?Submitted by Dana Thayer. Uncle G: How much does it cost to stay in it? Our words and actions can have the impact of feeling hurtful to our partner without us having the intention of being hurtful. Math teacher: If I have three bottles in one hand and two in the other hand, what do I have? Who could think of safe, new football jokes? This is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. You cheap bum! she yells. The paramedic says, Are you comfortable?. Dont miss this roundup of Alex Trebeks most memorable Jeopardy! 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, Make the entire ocean into beer! The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew. Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. Submitted by Timothy Manganaro, A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patricks Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. Check out 30 New Years jokes that will have you laughing out loud. Its torturous. ", "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? I have been working as a couples therapist for 20 years, and I know how many fights begin because someone cant take a joke.. The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. Women are like iPhones. Dont miss these funny tweets every parent can relate to. So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, Okay, here you go!Submitted by Andy Fielding, I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, You can come out of the computer now, Grandma! Submitted by June Pearson, I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. The first little boy says, Ill have some @#$%^& pancakes., The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. Im sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. Its easy, replies the ranger. Being broken up with. I dont know why. I laughed at all of your jokes My love you didn't need to coax Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore . ._1x9diBHPBP-hL1JiwUwJ5J{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:#ff585b;padding-left:3px;padding-right:24px}._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4{height:16px;padding-right:4px;vertical-align:top}.icon._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5{height:20px;vertical-align:middle;padding-right:8px}.QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{height:18px;padding-right:8px;vertical-align:top}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 .QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)} 49 ($1.68 $1.68 / Fl Oz) Savings Get any 3 for $39.99 Shop items. Where did the music teacher leave her keys? You do you! 1. George ignored her and walked away. 17. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?, 18. Does that mean I get to keep the money?Submitted by Lawrence Adelson, Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. Next week is his First Communion., I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached Gods holy word. Four-year-old boy I babysit: *suspicious* Me: *Lays out books* Four-year-old: Well, this is disappointing. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line. Im a lawyers genie, so for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the same thing, only double. After thinking a moment, the man says, For my first wish, I would like $10 million. Lawyers will get $20 million, the genie reminds him. | He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Tom Ward. Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. Both as a joke, but also because she was peeved, Alyshah then moved . You think Im cute when Im angry? Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snails pace. Submitted by Paul Lewis, I think my goldfish has seizures, a man tells the veterinarian. I asked him, Whats the word on the street?. If youre going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. -Marilyn Monroe, 38. But doesnt that suit fit great?. Oddly enough it's feminists, One of the UK's smallest towns has an award-winning pub and England's oldest fishing society, 'How bad are the pics? If you laugh at these dark jokes, youre probably a genius. No, it doesnt. Yes, it does. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. Why dont you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the collie. [Read: Backhanded compliment How to react kindly or give back in kind]. Youll just end up looking comedic and thats not what were going for here. Try these funny birthday jokes! 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life Sometimes, people just need to be told. First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. *Results not guaranteed. Why does my brother always attack my knees playfully? But I had to call you because Im in awe of his relationship with God. .LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH{fill:var(--newRedditTheme-actionIcon);height:18px;width:18px}.LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH rect{stroke:var(--newRedditTheme-metaText)}._3J2-xIxxxP9ISzeLWCOUVc{height:18px}.FyLpt0kIWG1bTDWZ8HIL1{margin-top:4px}._2ntJEAiwKXBGvxrJiqxx_2,._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{vertical-align:middle}._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-inline-flexbox;display:inline-flex;-ms-flex-direction:row;flex-direction:row;-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center} Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world! ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{margin-top:12px}._136QdRzXkGKNtSQ-h1fUru{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:8px 0;width:100%}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_,._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor)} A book just fell on my head. ' Tim Vine, This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. Im addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why. After several readings, I couldnt find my mistake. Its that love/hate thing that means you cant stand them on one hand, but you find them hilarious on the other. But that would ruin his credit. Jeannie Gibbs, The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I liked a show just because I watched 13 hours of it. My ex had one very annoying habit. ", "It's thinly sliced cabbage. What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened? The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip. I thought: Hes trying to pull a fast one. Dont miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love. Ive used too much! Submitted by Andrew Bird, I was mugged twice last year. From the greats to the random internet memes, this was a list of the best smartass quotes for life, ex-loves, and general sassiness. Hes done it again!, When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as hes dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy! Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. Well, the hut one on the left is where I live, says the man. This was because he wanted to make sure that their knee-caps were alright! As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.Anonymous. Are you looking for some funny kids football jokes? Since Margaret was gone several minutes, she felt the need to explain her absence to me: My friend and I arent able to spend much time together anymore because she is more decapitated than I am. Submitted by Vicki Alum, At a job review, my boss told me this year the company would compensate for inflation but that additional raises would be considered on a case-by-case basis. We dont serve your type! shouts the barman. Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world!!". Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. Seeing that she is getting upset, Bill comments, Come on. Thesecheesy pick-up lines are are sure to get you a laugh (if not love). What are you doing? the baffled psychiatrist asked. There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. I took that as my cue to outline my expanded role, and listed my actions and achievements. The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case. "What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland? In a normal tone, he asks, Honey, whats for supper?, So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, Honey, whats for supper? Still no response. Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. You have 30 more years to live.. Dont miss this roundup of thefunniest one-liners on the Internet. Yes, I said, but I really dont need it., Without missing a beat, she replied, We dont sell things that people need. Joe Caputo. "Women are like iPhones. My Uncle G: Youre going to pay $500 to jump out of a perfectly good plane? Im in your driveway., 47. I never even listen when you tell me them. Here are the funniest court cases of all time! Darlin.You're hotter than donut grease at a fat man convention. It all happened so fast., A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see whos best at his job. She looks great! While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. He wasnt familiar with royal etiquette, so he decided to simply follow the Queens lead and hope for the best.